The “Sad, but too often true" caricature pictured above is, according to what I glean from my clients, sad, but too often true. Perhaps a bit exaggerated but what is most often the case is the fact that caregiving for an aging parent generally falls on one child. In the minds of some, things (care) do not have to be divided equally until mom dies when things (assets) should be divided equally. What is a caregiver to do?

It’s not as if the family, including mom, got together and made plans on how to care for her as she aged. More often than not, the family wakes up one morning and realizes one child is doing all the work, an occurrence that follows a series of small decisions for the caretaker to assume more and more responsibilities until he/she starts to feel overwhelmed. The purpose of this article is to encourage you, dear readers, to develop a plan before an emergency forces the family to come up with a plan.

For those of us who have opted not to go into a graduated living community, we start with the assumption that we want to age in place, that we want to live as independent as possible for as long as possible with optimal quality of life and adequate socialization.

Elsewhere in this newsletter, we have provided links to resources; one that I found particularly useful in developing a plan is the AARP Family Caregiver Resource Guide and addresses the key issues including house/living situation, finances, health, socialization and support system, and legal.

As clients of this office, you have started on your plan, that is, you have appropriate legal documents in place: a trust, a will, a general power of attorney, and a healthcare power of attorney.  At least you did when you signed those documents. Family dynamics change over time, and it is recommended that you periodically review your appointed trustees, personal representatives, and agents. Is your spouse with mild cognitive impairment the best person to act in your stead?

Is the child with the MBA degree the best person to manage your financial affairs if he hasn’t even called you in the past year? And financial management need not be concentrated in one person; one can manage the investments while another manages the day-to-day checkbook. One does not need to live in the same house to take advantage of digital bill paying.

The same is true with healthcare management; the on-site caretaker need not have all the responsibility of addressing mom’s health needs. Another child (or mom’s sibling, granddaughter, or friend) can help coordinate doctor’s appointments and care options. It helps to work with a physician that creates digital notes (such as My Chart) that all family members can access.

And then there are end-of-life decisions, but that is a theme for another newsletter. It suffices to say now that you want your spouse and children to be on the same page when it comes to such decisions. If you are a client, I encourage you to take another look at the paper I gave you, My Story, My Way: Designing the Final Chapter.

And, finally, after you have that plan in place, start over again. Assume that the caretaker can no longer take care.  Being a caretaker does not insulate one from death and disability. There has to be a Plan B.

Truth be told, I do not have a Plan B. Maybe I should discuss this with my children but probably not today.  As long as I can care for my wife, what could go wrong?

~John F. Robbert